oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
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