Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
