I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
