I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
