I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
