I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
