The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I see more hoeing in ur future
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