I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
