my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He? As in you personified your dick?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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