why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
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It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
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She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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