i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
