I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
