Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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