I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
