1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
