Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My balls are so social today.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
