Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
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it was like a congratulatory penis slap
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
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Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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