Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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