really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
