I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
