I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
