You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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