Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
