It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
