I'm jealous of your bromance
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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