Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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