Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
