i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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