Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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