Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
