all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
