Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
