Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
