I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
