Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
