you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
