Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
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My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
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Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in