Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
