I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
