apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
