There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Help. Why am I so naked?
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