You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
