sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
