I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
