Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
how does that bad decision feel?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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