The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
