we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
