I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
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I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
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No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
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