Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
