Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
My breath smells like gin and sadness
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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