The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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