remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
