I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize