I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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