She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
