May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
