i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
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