Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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