I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
